You're sitting there wondering if you should lean into leading that difficult conversation you'd rather not have until you absolutely have to. You're not alone!
You could wait, and what do you think would happen if you did? Would waiting improve the situation or could it make it worse? You know it could escalate, because you’re not in control of what he's thinking or saying about you or the situation to other team members, your customers on social media, even publicly. The situation could also be affecting his productivity and your team's morale.
What if you leaned into the conversation with an intention of making a positive difference for you and intending a positive benefit for him? When you intend a good outcome for him it shows in your approach from the outset. At a fundamental level, we are more open when we feel the other person is looking to achieve a positive outcome. This simple approach requires you to experiment with a shift in mindset from what do I need to what’s best for everyone concerned. Ready!
Firstly ask yourself what positive difference YOU want from the conversation.
Then consider what positive benefits you intend for him/her from your interaction.
Now consider the big picture and what the positive outcome would be for your organization.
Here’ an example of a double positive intention when giving tough feedback on poor team management.
You may find the positive difference for you is staying connected in a way that allows him/her to stay open to changing his approach to managing his team so they feel inspired and motivated to achieve a higher level of performance. The positive benefit you intend for him could be his own insight into the negative impact he has on his team and their motivation. The big picture, after having this insight, is that he wants to change his behavior, which benefits his team, you and the organization with improved performance. Remember your thoughts and beliefs about what’s possible in each situation drive your intentions that drive your actions.
When we lean in with a double positive intention it helps us shape and navigate the conversation for the intended outcome and keeps everyone in the conversation. We naturally feel safer when we feel the other person genuinely has our best interests at heart.
When I lean into leading a challenging conversation and genuinely have good intentions, whether I am apologizing, giving feedback or resolving a difference of opinion, I’ve found I have more successful outcomes in my interactions. Leaning in allows me to assess the situation so I can resolve issues before they escalate.
Here are a couple of examples of me leaning to conversations with a double positive intention.
Leadership Coaching Session
My positive intention for me; Prepare for our call with information from my client. Take a moment to clear my mind and be fully present to what's showing up for him. Remain curious and aware of what’s not being said and notice where my energy is. Use pull questions that connect him internally so he can draw on his own wisdom. I also want to offer insight that takes him beyond where he is to increase his awareness.
My positive intended benefit for my client; He chooses the priority for our time together, and feels he’s listened to and understood. That he feels supported in expressing his ideas and thoughts and gaining clarity. He chooses the next steps for him to move forward and take action.
Big Picture: He has an insight and finds a way to express the message in his own words. He makes progress using his own insight and strengths to agree on actions. His team benefits from his new approach to communication, which in turn increases collaboration and motivation.
2. Talent Management
My positive intention for me; I needed to let a team member go after constant support and training because she was struggling with her role my organization.
My positive intended benefit for my employee; that she leaves the organization with her self-esteem intact. I reinforced her strengths and encouraged her to apply for another role that better suited her skills and experience.
Big Picture; I found another team member who had the skills and experience to do the role well and helped with her resume and she found a job better suited to her skill set and experience.
Your conversational currency in this connection economy is elevated once you become good at double positive intention because you’ll be recognized as a leader that genuinely cares and fosters an open environment of collaboration and co-creation.
What about you? Which tough conversation do you need to have that will make a positive difference and offer a positive benefit?
Practice
It's time for you to lean into leading the conversation and practice with positive intent for you and positive benefit for them. Chose a conversation you know you needed to have and didn't. Give it a shot and lean in with a conversation that carries a lower perceived personal risk first and is prepared to be surprised at what’s possible for you both using this 3-way approach. You're invited to connect with me here if you need extra support.
Gael Bevan is an experienced, PCC- ICF Credentialed, Certified Leadership Coach. She specializes in strengthening communication with virtual and remote teams, building future leaders at every level, through shared understanding, a common language and skill development. She learned how to communcate with impact and mastered the art of authentic conversation